Is it weird to love a city like a living being? If it is, then I suppose it’s even weirder to believe that a city loves you. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s totally different that liking a city very much. Not like how people say “I love Paris! It’s such a cool/romantic place!” for example. It goes way WAY deeper than that.
I just got back from a trip to the city that actually loves me more than any other place I’ve ever been to (and believe me, I’ve been to loads of places!). To me, this city is a living organism, consisting of other living organisms. The way the human body is a compilation of different kinds of cells, bacteria and other substances that somehow cooperate, each with their own consciousness, yet still part of the bigger consciousness that is a human. All cities are like that, but this is the only one I can perceive so clearly. I don’t know if it’s because of the city itself, if it’s more conscious or more social than other cities, but whenever I am there, there isn’t even a moment when I stop feeling the living being that is the city: huge compared to me, powerful, wise, loving. Really old, yet very modern, ever-changing, ever-evolving. I can reach out with my consciousness and feel the boundaries of the city, where it starts becoming less and less of the city and more of something else until it’s not the city anymore, until another consciousness is reached, one that belongs to a different place. A different being.
I have never seen a place so happy to see me as this one. The city just wants me there, it’s as trilled to have me there as I am to be there. I feel safe and protected there. People are always nice to me, so nice in fact that it’s sometimes spooky. I always have the best of luck in everything. I never miss buses and trains, people will give me their ticket or just pay for the stuff I want to buy, buy me drinks etc for no reason at all. I feel powerful there. I don’t even have to do magic, all I have to do is say in my mind “I want this and that to happen” and it just does, so fast and with such accuracy that it’s almost scary. And I always get this feeling that –no matter how big and how important whatever it is I wanted may seem to me- it’s nothing for the city. I could ask for a million things like that and they will be given to me, I will almost always get what I ask for because the city can provide it and because the city is truly and deeply happy to provide it for me. No hidden agenda, no cost, no payment needed; it’s done out of love. A love I can understand, because I have the extreme urge to take care of the city too, to make sure it is happy, to make sure it has everything it needs. To see if there’s something it wants so that I can make sure it is done.
So I was on the plane on my way to this city, and I was reading, unaware of the fact that we were almost there, until I felt this huge consciousness reaching out to me. I looked out the window and there it was, lying in front of us: a collection of lights and streets and houses that seemed endless. And my first thought was “I told you I’ll be back!”. And then I burst into tears. There were a million things bothering me before this point. A million wounds and scars, things I’ve been trying (and failing) to fully heal, things that couldn’t be healed because they were wounds that kept being opened again and again. I had developed a weird collection of physicals pains in the week prior to my trip; pains that came out of nowhere and wouldn’t go away. As I was crying, it all melted away. Just like that, it was all gone. I felt no physical pain anywhere in my body. I felt no emotional pain of any kind. Nothing.
It was this nothing that surprised me the most. When you’re carrying emotional pain for a long time, you tend to have a very warped-up impression of what “feeling well” actually means. You never really feel truly well, so you end up unconsciously labeling “feeling well” the state where you’re not feeling like crap. Like, you may be laughing or enjoying a movie and this is the state you believe is “feeling well”, but the pain is still there under the surface, you have just tuned it out because it’s not as intense. If you focus on it for a second, you can feel it there under the surface. It’s not “feeling good” really, it’s more like feeling numb.
It’s the lack of that pain under the surface that I found so surprising. It was as if I had truly forgotten how it is to live without it until the city removed it from me. I could feel nothing. Things that would trigger this pain up until a few moments ago had no effect. This wasn’t a random “feeling good” state either; this was true, long-lasting healing. I scanned my energy bodies to see what I looked like and I realized that I looked as healthy as I felt. No holes and tears, no blocks, nothing! Everything had been healed, deeply and without any effort. It was the city’s welcoming gift, and we hadn’t even landed yet. When the plane landed, all I wanted to do was lie down on the ground to truly feel part of the city and thank it (which I didn’t do because police stations and mental facilities weren’t exactly the places I wanted to spend my time in during my visit there!).
A different aspect of this though -a side-effect if you will- was that I shifted into a totally different person while there. I shifted into the kind of person I used to be maybe 10 years ago. Happy, whole, in control of myself. A person open to meeting new people, discussing ideas, making friends and making a difference. I met the most amazing, kind-hearted, wonderful, interesting people. I had such a good time I truly didn’t want to leave. The disadvantage: this new “mask” of me, this new personality, it pushed aside sorceress Scarlet almost completely. Before the trip, I was planning to collect dirt from different places around the city in order to make a spirit bottle, a spirit house of the city itself for a variety of purposes. I didn’t really expect to be able to gather dirt from every area (it’s a pretty big city) but I was planning to get some from some select areas, plus dirt from important buildings. I’d collect the dirt and bury a personal sigil in each place to create a two-way connection. With this new mask of Scarlet casting everything else aside though, I managed to forget all about collecting dirt. Not only did I not follow on my plan to visit a list of places to collect dirt, I didn’t collect any dirt at all from anywhere! I kid you not, I spent most of my visit to this city in a building that was at the top of my list of places to collect dirt from (part of this time spent in the yard) and it didn’t even dawn on me to collect dirt!
And now I’m back home (in a city that doesn’t like me much), missing the support of the city that loves me and wanting to bang my head on a wall for not gathering any dirt. And the funny this is that I don’t know a single witch, sorcerer, magician etc that lives there so I can’t find someone who can do it for me. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to wait until I can go there myself again and make sure I do it right this time! In the meantime, I’m trying to integrate this new mask. The assault of 50 shades of crap that greeted me the moment I came back is making it pretty difficult, but I hope I’ll somehow manage.
On another not-so-random note, I just enrolled in Andrieh Vitimus’ Shapeshifting course. This is week 2 of the course and so far it looks awesome! I’m confident that it will help me change the things that have proven really resistant to other methods.